I am so damn over myself.
Allowing myself excuses I would never accept from anyone else.
How indulgent.
Poisoning myself with self sabotage, of which I am too aware.
Self awareness is a burden. It must be nice to live without it, unaware of affects of words or actions. How they will affect me or anyone else. I care too much about everyone else. My therapist tells me to be more selfish, but I do not know how.
Empathic.
I take on everyone else's burdens. Burying mine deep underneath theirs. Too busy worrying about them to tend to myself.
Living in the holy now. Avoiding any plans of the future. The, I'll start tomorrows, stacked so high, they would tumble to the ground with the addition of just one more.
The only way to live, for me, as of late has been in the now. Any big plans have been disrupted by life happening, so why even bother?
The days, the months, the years are flying. I am stuck in the now, avoiding important decisions, planning for the future, and taking care of myself.
I'll start tomorrow.
04.
Maybe if I hold my breath, the floating broken souls will take me in as one of their own. I am not so different. Alive, but not living. Just barely existing. Drifting through the city, among the living, trying hard to fit in.
But, rest in peace is not for me. I would rather rest in poison. Haunting your every move, as you go through life. A whisper in your ear, just when you think everything is going right. A gentle caress that wakes you in the night. You'll stare in the mirror, asking yourself, if you've lost your mind. Feeling your stomach drop, only to see me in the reflection, standing behind.
I do not need to hold my breath though, I know I still float around in your head. Everyday without me, is a reminder that I exist. Haunting all your thoughts, without lying six feet deep.
03.
You were a temporary place, for me to hang my sadness. Night after night, I would visit you and enjoy the temporary view of joy. The mornings always felt so sweet. You would roll over behind me, and pull me close, unaware of my smile. I wanted nothing more than to feel that forever. But temporary is not forever, and forever is much too long. In the morning, I would pack my sadness and head back home. All temporary things must come to a permanent end. So now I reminisce about that place, that someday, someone, will call a permanent home.